Cinematic Titanic is a complete hoax

Only TWO days ago, cinematictitanic.com mys­te­ri­ous­ly appeared. Claimed to be authored by Joel Hodg­son, it goes on to say that he is return­ing to the mak­ing-fun-of-movies thing, along with Trace, Frank, Mary Jo, and JOSH WEINSTEIN. So I think some healthy skep­ti­cism wouldn’t be UNfound­ed.

Nev­er­the­less, Slash­dot, Ain’t It Cool News, and doubt­less thou­sands of oth­er blogs are blow­ing up about it, and nobody’s ask­ing any ques­tions. Just fawn­ing, ejac­u­la­to­ry cheer­ings-on.

The first thing you notice is how POORLY the page is designed. You even see a <meta name=“author” content=“John Stotler” /> in the source, that the domain is host­ed at GoDad­dy, and is reg­is­tered through a pri­va­cy proxy. Okay, fine, so these peo­ple have hired an ama­teur design­er. It’s pos­si­ble.

But the announce­ment just resem­bles too close­ly every MST3K fan’s wet dream. They’re an easy tar­get for a prank like this. They’ve been chant­i­ng Joel’s name con­tin­u­al­ly for over ten years now, beg­ging for him to come back. Pulling one over on peo­ple demon­strat­ing such obnox­ious behav­ior would be fun­ny. What if it even made it on Slash­dot? Or Wikipedia???

Besides the fact that it would be weird for all five of these peo­ple to be simul­ta­ne­ous­ly inspired to beat that dead horse, Joel left the show because he want­ed to dis­tance him­self from it. In a press release from 1993 he said,

It’s time for me to hang up my red jump suit and move behind the cam­era. Besides, there’s an old show busi­ness adage I once heard Adam West say: “Stay in the same cos­tume and before you know it, you end up sign­ing pic­tures at an R.V. show.” Maybe it was Clay­ton Moore, now that I think of it.

I want to become a behind-the-cam­era guy. I want to get on to the NEXT weird show. I want to be an idea man.

The new site itself is ugly, yes, but more than that, it’s very un-Joel-like through and through. Joel’s a smart, cre­ative, fun­ny guy. Would he real­ly put his name behind such a stale, mean­ing­less name as “Cin­e­mat­ic Titan­ic”? With this logo?:

Cinematic Titanic

Would he real­ly say, “Our first release is at this time a total secret, how­ev­er – I’m will­ing to say it makes ‘Manos the Hands of Fate’ look like ‘San­ta Claus Con­quers the Mar­tians’ in a car wreck with ‘Eegah!’”? These are the words of a fan, nam­ing his favorite episodes, not the words of a guy who want­ed to move on with his life, four­teen years ago.

The site also reads, “I’ve just been inter­viewed by Lucas­film online, in antic­i­pa­tion of Cin­e­mat­ic Titanic’s first live show and world pre­miere in San Fran­cis­co in Decem­ber.” Lucas­film online? Why haven’t they been talk­ing about this? Wouldn’t an exclu­sive, rare inter­view with Joel Hodg­son about his new project be some­thing you might want to men­tion? Where in San Fran­cis­co is this pre­mier? Why haven’t I got­ten a con­fir­ma­tion email for sign­ing up for the mail­ing list?

Conan Xmas: 2000

Tom Han­ks cel­e­brates Christ­mas on Conan in 2000. This has been doc­u­ment­ed as the last fun­ny thing Tom Han­ks ever did.

Mirac­u­lous­ly retrieved from the land of for­got­ten tele­vi­sion moments, four months after my plea on a Conan forum, to replace the taped copy I lost years ago. Because I like to hoard things and save them for­ev­er (ahem), I’m always dis­ap­point­ed when the inter­net fails to be effec­tive in dredg­ing up even the most insignif­i­cant cul­tur­al minu­ti­ae from the past. I’m get­ting used to it, but in the mean­time, this was a warm­ly reas­sur­ing moment in my life.

Kirk Cameron, and stealing video from abcnews.com

Last week­end Kirk Cameron and Ray Com­fort debat­ed some smug athe­ists over the exis­tence of God. Kirk’s and Ray’s claim was, to para­phrase, that they could prove, 100%, sci­en­tif­i­cal­ly, the exis­tence of God, with­out invok­ing faith or the Bible. The athe­ists were to prove, not that God doesn’t exist, but that Kirk and Ray can’t prove oth­er­wise. The debate took place on Sat­ur­day night and was taped to be streamed on abcnews.com the fol­low­ing Wednes­day and Thurs­day, with select por­tions being tele­vised on an episode of Night­line.

Here’s Slate on the sub­ject:

First, I grew excit­ed at this promise, then began to won­der why no the­olo­gian, philoso­pher, or sit­com star in record­ed his­to­ry had done it before—Thomas Aquinas, Immanuel Kant, Tina Yothers, whoever—and real­ized I was in for a let­down. Comfort’s cadences were not even those of a preach­er but of an infomer­cial host, and the God Squad had but three argu­ments on behalf of the big guy: All things have mak­ers; the human con­science is evi­dence of a high­er moral pow­er; if you read the Gospel, then Christ will be revealed to you. For rea­sons too stu­pid to type, this was not an air­tight case, and the athe­ists made quick work of it in tones of juve­nile sar­casm.

They also threw in the first mover argu­ment, which tech­ni­cal­ly dif­fers from the watch­mak­er argu­ment. The con­tent of the debate is of almost no inter­est, of course, as it close­ly par­al­lels count­less con­ver­sa­tions that have tak­en place before it. But its being pre­sent­ed by ABC is sig­nif­i­cant, even unprece­dent­ed by recent stan­dards of net­work tele­vi­sion. Which isn’t to say that reli­gion and God are nev­er men­tioned on TV, but that when they are, they are dis­missed as irrec­on­cil­able, deeply per­son­al things that don’t invite inspec­tion beyond that of the effects they have on people’s behav­ior. They are approached as moral and cul­tur­al issues — nev­er as meta­phys­i­cal ones. And the idea that a large-ish por­tion of the Amer­i­can pub­lic might see peo­ple earnest­ly dis­cussing the nature of infin­i­ty and causal­i­ty, even if inept­ly, only hours after Ugly Bet­ty, fas­ci­nat­ed me, despite my con­fi­dence that none of it would be illu­mi­nat­ing, and that it was a rat­ings stunt.

I didn’t see the “dis­tilled” ver­sion on Night­line, and the YouTube videos were removed before I could watch or save them, but I hear they did a pret­ty bad job with the mate­r­i­al. At the moment, the entire debate is still avail­able at the story’s ABC page, but, know­ing that they prob­a­bly won’t last, and with a ten­den­cy toward obses­sive archivism and a dis­dain for ABC’s intractable flash play­er, I col­lect­ed them myself. Alto­geth­er they’re about 97 min­utes. If you’re short on time and have to be choosy, watch the “Mock­ing Dar­win” seg­ment, which con­tains the most lolz, and a guid­ed, pic­to­r­i­al tour of an under­stand­ing of evo­lu­tion so pro­found­ly mis­in­formed that even Lamar­ck is rolling his eyes. And he’s dead. As I watch this debate, I keep expect­ing Kirk to break char­ac­ter. Then I think, Ray must have some dan­ger­ous­ly com­pro­mis­ing pho­tos of him.

From the Colum­bia Jour­nal­ism Review:

We could go on, but why? Night­line felt no respon­si­bil­i­ty to take the issue seri­ous­ly enough to include, say, a sci­en­tist or a the­olo­gian in the debate, so oth­er than point­ing out the dumb­ing down of the nation­al con­ver­sa­tion, we’ll just leave it at say­ing that we expect more of Night­line, and the Amer­i­can peo­ple deserve bet­ter than being forced to endure half-baked pub­lic­i­ty stunts dressed up as news.

Thrown in at the end are some recent dis­cus­sions Bill O’Reilly has had with Kirk Cameron and Richard Dawkins, in which Bill presents his own fucked ver­sion of an anthrop­ic argu­ment, express­ing amaze­ment that we could have “lucked out” by hav­ing such a hab­it­able plan­et land on us, and plen­ty more frus­trat­ing­ly neb­u­lous rea­son­ing for your teeth-gnash­ing plea­sure.

The videos were record­ed using a years-old tool that I’ve want­ed for as long as I can remem­ber. Cam­Stu­dio records the activ­i­ty in a select­ed por­tion of your screen, and spits out an .avi. Its cur­rent ver­sion is from 2003, but, thanks to its open-source­ness, is still being devel­oped. It gives you the option to use dif­fer­ent record­ing codecs and to tweak their para­me­ters, but the only way I was able to get results was with enor­mous files, approach­ing 1GB for 15 min­utes of 320×240 video. Which is a pain in the ass, but it works.

Conan’s Audition Tape

I tried to upload this to YouTube, but with words like “let­ter­man” and “conan” on it, it didn’t stand a chance. Which I don’t get — how does NBC plan to make any mon­ey off this clip in the future?

Well any­way, I down­loaded this in like 2002 from some Conan video site. There’s this great moment when he’s inter­view­ing this first guest, and he’s idly star­ing at his desk, fid­get­ing with his pen­cil, being agree­able, and you watch this real­iza­tion come over him, that despite feel­ing out of place and unwor­thy of being behind even a fake desk, he’ll nev­er make an impres­sion unless he says what comes nat­u­ral­ly to him.